I know I wrote a blog about this after I had Clark, but I feel like some issues need to be revisited, if for no other reason than for me to just 'get it out' and be done with it.
Just when you thought all the crazy comments you get while you are pregnant are over, the post pregnancy comments begin. I am two weeks post delivery, and I showed up to the park to meet some friends from church. I AM still wearing maternity pants, my smallest ones, but still...they are maternity pants. There were two girls there, and they looked me up and down and then said "I can't believe how skinny you are already, we hate you". After my last blog about this subject, I decided I would just say Thank You when people comment on my skinniness, but the words "Thank You" don't really follow nicely after the phrase "we hate you"...oh Thank you! So of course I did my, "hey, but I am wearing maternity pants see?!" thinking that maybe it would make them "hate" me less. No, then I got "it doesn't matter because our regular pants are bigger than those maternity pants". Okay, I can't win. Here is where this blog becomes very UN-PC, but this is what I have observed from my experience. The women who just say to me "you look great" are always women who look kind of like me, and the women I get the "you are so skinny I hate you" mantra are women who maybe didn't lose all their baby weight with their last child. Why do I have to be on the receiving end of their bitterness that they have not been able to lose their weight? Why do women like to do the old reach around and act like they are giving you a compliment, when in reality they are just showing their disgust that you have something they don't. This doesn't just happen with the weight issue, it can pretty much happen with anything and everything in our lives. It's the whole demean someone else to make you feel better issue, and we women have got it down to a science so that we start out making it sound like a compliment and then stick a zinger in there that negates anything that was even remotely complimentary. So, I am just going to throw this out there...how about we just pay another woman a compliment and NOT throw the zinger in there and NOT then follow it up with a whine or gripe about your own issues. Just pay a girl a compliment and be DONE. It is surprising how much better we feel about OURSELVES when we do that for another person.
Then, there is the When Do You Go Back To Church issue after you have a baby. We got home from the hospital on a Friday night, we skipped church that first week, and then showed up the second week to literal GASPS when we walked into the chapel. Women kept coming up to me saying "Didn't you get the memo that you get at LEAST a month off of church after you have a baby?" Now, I recognize that depending on your birth experience and/or complications you may have, it is completely reasonable to not be able to get to church for a couple of weeks. However, it is my personal opinion that I believe a lot of women use the excuse of having a baby to completely ditch out on church when they are perfectly well enough to attend. Women are surprisingly open to each other about this fact, and frankly, I think it's pathetic. Someone finally asked me why I would want to come back to church so quickly. I said "because if I don't, I end up being very lazy at home, feeling guilty about not fulfilling my calling and not attending church when I know there is no real good reason not to, and I just don't want to feel like that." Sure it takes effort after you have had a baby to get moving and just getting the kids ready for church makes me want to take a nap, but I think it is especially important to keep up the spiritual nourishment during this time, because it can be such a difficult time emotionally. I think the more you shut down, the more likely you are to wallow in how hard your new life is, and the easier it is to decide that you can't do things...and, I think it is a whole lot easier to get depressed. Ultimately, it is a very personal decision since only you know what you are ready to accomplish after having a child, but let's be very honest with ourselves too and not use the "Well, I just had baby" excuse just because you can and you know no one will dare question it. I hope we would have a little more respect for motherhood than that...but that's just my personal opinion.
8 comments:
For me, the only reason I have taken time off from church with previous babies was for the sake of the baby only. RSV gets pretty bad out here in Utah and one of the worst places to take a new baby during the winter time is church. No one can resist coming up to "ooh" & "aah" over a new baby. Newborns just don't have a great immune system yet and a lot of people can be carrying a sickness and just not show any symptoms. After I had Kyle (in Feb), Heath & I would swap off going to church so the baby could stay at home.
As far as the compliment/put-down issue, I'm surprised at how easily people will say "I hate you". To me, that's just plain rude no matter how it's said.
Well said Cherylyn! I have to watch myself on the compliments that I really mean to be compliments but then I'm constantly saying how that's better than me, and it ends up coming off all wrong! But we do need to give more genuine compliments as women - for sure.
Also, I can't speak from experience, but I've always been one that has been somewhat annoyed (is that the word?) at fellow females that take two to three months "off church" before coming back. I'm glad to know I'm not totally alone in thinking there might be better ways to approach it :)
Happy you're healthy and getting back to your non-maternity clothes :)
Well, I am fat, you are skinny, and I love you for your candor. I think that a lot of it is genetic. I am still trying to deal with that.
I hope you feel better after your post.
Amen and Amen!
I really liked this post. I think that when those women said "I hate you" they unfortunately really meant "I hate me". Why do we have to compare ourselves all the time? Shame on us! You are absolutely right, we need to give genuine compliments to one another, to lift and support one another, and appreciate each other AND ourselves. I've stepped off the soapbox.
I peek at your blog once in awhile, but this time I couldn't avoid commenting! Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful son.
A friend from the Waterbury Ward!
I thought I might as well "weigh" in! :) I think you're absolutely right about too many women giving insults disguised as compliments. I say either give a sincere compliment or just don't say anything!
I will agree with the first poster, though, that particularly in cold climates it's potentially dangerous to take a newborn into any kind of crowded place--church included. When we had Clara (who was almost 7 weeks early) we were under doctors' orders to keep her at home (unless we were going to the doctor) from the time we brought her home in late November until early spring. It was miserable! Jeremy and I alternated who got to attend which church meetings. But it was totally worth it, because she was healthy and well--and continues to be. Not everyone is as lucky. Just this week a friend here has been in the hospital with her newborn who has basically been nowhere but church and now is on oxygen due to RSV. It's too scary! So, I think it's often really circumstantial, especially in parts of the country where winter illness is dangerous for babies. Just my two cents... :)
That's my Chez.
Cherylyn, I'm enjoying catching up on your blog...and I TOTALLY agree with you on the whole malicious girl attitude. What is with people? Why do people have to be so 2 faced? If you're gonna hate me, then tell me so I don't waste MY time hanging out with you! And I totally agree with the whole missing church thing. Love ya!
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